The Five Worst Choices to Play the Next Doctor

black-spot-5Matt Smith has been divisive as The Doctor. Some consider him too whimsical or manic, while others praise his performance but criticize Moffat’s story-arcs and character writing. Some (myself included) find Smith’s performance to find a wonderful line between the grumpy old-man and the childlike mad-man-in-a-blue-box. I was immediately won over by Smith: He had me by the end of the 11th Hour, which is still one of my all time favorite episodes.

But all good (or bad, depending on your opinion) things must end: It was announced the other day that Matt Smith would be leaving Doctor Who, making room for the 12th actor to portray the role (kind of). And as we have the outpouring of expression from both camps, those who despair as his departure, and those who celebrate it,  we also have the immediate discussion of who will next play The Doctor.

I’m not going to enumerate all the possible actors who have been suggested to play the Last Timelord, for there are countless suggestions coming in. While I’m not sure who I like yet as the next Doctor, I definitely know who I wouldn’t want flying the TARDIS. Here are the top five possible choices that I think would be terrible ones.

During the list I consulted the highest authority of Doctor Who opinion-having: Brenna, of Nerdy TV Rants

Jason Statham:

jason-statham-shirtless-transporter-3-02

Who he is: Britain’s favorite American-style action hero. He’s in basically every Guy Ritchie flick, as well as the critically lauded* Crank movies.

Why he might be picked: He’s British and male. That’s basically it.

Why he might be a good choice: I can think of no compelling reason that he might make a competent Doctor, other than that he’s English.

Why he would be a bad choice: Jason Statham’s acting style is based on yelling a lot and kicking people through doors. Be assured that there would be multiple antagonists being kicked through the TARDIS door, while The Doctor screams, “Do you fucking know who I am?! I’m the last-fucking-Timelord, you fuck!”
Also, his costume would be a wife-beater and stained jeans.

Why he will never be The Doctor: BBC executives likely to scared to approach him.

Brenna’s thoughts: He’d whip out a gun and be like “your head’s about to be a lot bigger on the inside.” “…Bitches.”

*The Crank movies have not been critically lauded.

Emma Watson:

watson

Who she is: Seriously?

Why she might be picked: She’s still England’s It-Girl. Her fanbase is rapid and overwhelming. She’s used to playing in sci-fi/fantasy, and as Hermione she spent a lot of time spouting made up mumbo-jumbo and sounding nerdy about it, like the Doctor does.

Why she might be good: It’d be really fucking nice to see a female Doctor for the first time. And Emma is beautiful and seems like a lovely person. I haven’t actually seen much of her acting, since I have spent time with the Harry Potter movies, and she has yet to be in much else. I hear she was good in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Why she would be a bad choice: Because the internet would actually be brought down by the massive influx of fan fiction bashed into keyboards by horny teenagers across the spectrum. The website Imgur would be the only remaining website, devoted entirely to photos of the show.

Why she will never be the Doctor: Honestly, gender stuff aside, BBC just couldn’t afford her.

Brenna’s thoughts: “She’s just a pretty face who thinks that acting involves an inordinate amount of eyebrow movement.”

Russel Brand:

brand

Who he is: Stand-up Comedian, Talk Show Host, Ex-Husband to Zooey Deschanel Katy Perry.

Why he might be picked: He’s British.

Why he might be a good choice: He actually is pretty funny, and fairly charming. And he’d probably cut his hair, unlike Tim Minchin.

Why he would actually be a terrible choice: Because of this quote: “Yeah, I’d love to be him, I’d be like a Tom Baker one, like a sort of long scarf, flouncy, wistful, quoting occasional poems, kicking cyber-men in the nuts. This is what the country needs. I would just travel through time pinching people’s a**es. Carry on up the worm hole. Like quantum physics, so that is actually perfect. No, we can’t have that in the tardis, ’ere it’s a lot bigger on the inside.”

Why he will never be the Doctor: He’s busy with his talk-show. Also, the above quote.

Brenna’s thoughts: “The doctor needs to have panache. He needs to be goofy and fun and all of those things, but deep down he requires gravitas, and Russell Brand can’t even fake that.”

Benedict Cumberbatch:

benedict

Who he is: Sherlock on Sherlock and John Harrison Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness

Why he might be picked: He’s a huge star right now. He’s brilliant on Sherlock, and is already working with Moffatt on it.

Why he might be good: Because he’s amazing at playing the removed, godlike brilliant man. Because he might play something entirely different as the doctor. Because of his piercing, piercing eyes.

Why he would actually be terrible: Because it’s just too much; he is already the brilliant, godlike genius character on Sherlock, and he’s too well known for that. Yeah, he’d probably still be awesome. But do we need Moffat making another show with him as a similar character?

Why he will never be The Doctor: Because he’s Sherlock.

Brenna’s thoughts: “I’m in love with Benedict, but he’s too iconic as Moffat’s other creation. We need need to mix things up a little… The Doctor and Sherlock share a few too many traits. Also, I love that you’re quoting me for no discernible reason.”

Catherine Tate:

tate

Who she is: British Comedienne and previous Companion on Doctor Who.

Why she might be picked: Regarding the storyline, there’s some sense to it. She has part of the Doctor in her (no, not like River does), and carries his knowledge and regeneration essence. It could work. Plus, The Doctor would finally be A: a woman and B: a ginger.

Why she might be good: She’s funny? And at least she’s not another dude.

Why she would actually be terrible: Because she would howl and screech her way through every line.

Why she will never be the Doctor: She wasn’t that popular of a companion.

Brenna’s thoughts: “She was Donna. Don’t make it weird(er).”

Bonus Bad Choices:

Any White British Dude Between 25 and 45 years old.

Seriously though, can we move on from that? A person of a color? A woman? Something that reflects the 21st century a bit more?

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2 Responses to The Five Worst Choices to Play the Next Doctor

  1. your sister says:

    What doctor are you talking about? The doctor on what? And why can just anyone replace him, male, female, young, old…. there doesn’t need to be a seamless transition for the story line?

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