The days are growing longer, the nights less bitter, but I am not ready for the spring.
Two months ago, I was unemployed and living at home, dumped, broke, destitute. A month ago I was living at home, at a job that was lacking, broke, and single. Today, I have a fantastic apartment, with a fantastic roommate. I’m still broke, single, and destitute, but I’m working on pulling that off.
I’m passing through a pretty dark time of my life. It’s not quite over, as my career is floundering, but there is a light. It’s dim, and at times I cannot see it at all, but I know it’s there.
I have little right to complain; I am better off than many. Yet, it’s difficult not to internalize the (perceived) wave of criticisms levied at me. I’ve been informed, in ways both vague and direct, that I am not good enough, in varied aspects. Whether or not these messages are intended, they are received in that manner. I am an externally based person–for someone who spends a good deal in his own head, I am remarkably vulnerable to the outside world, especially my fellows. While I would love to consider myself master of my personal domain, I am not; external stimuli govern my mood and, to a certain extent, sense of self worth. Weather, music, seasons, environment, and, most of all, others, have a profound effect on me.
This receptivity is also a source of strength, because I am blessed by an abundance of positive, amazing people. While my my self-worth is diminished by my job, and the difficulties of obtaining a more satisfying one, each day I am buoyed up by the people I am lucky to call friends and family. Not too be too maudlin* or melodramatic (Whoops! Too late!), but I do not know what I would do without you.
It’s not just my close-knit community; those of you that I have not seen in years, that I speak with briefly or spend a single night with–you have as profound an effect on me as the people I see daily.
If I am to have a career, it’s because of my friends. When I have audacious, debaucherous weekend nights (or weekdays, I’m an adult), it is because of you. You make me want to write, want to live better, and work harder. You give me drive.
My hope is that I do the same for you, that I bolster you when you need it, that I help you to thrive, that I work towards building a community. In the twilight of my twenties, I’m realizing more and more how important community is. And not just the TV show.
Basically, I’m just writing to try and express an overwhelming gratitude towards all of you. And, since this is supposed to be a blog about nerd culture, especially shows, let’s reflect on some of the best group of friends in nerdy TV, okay?
Thank you. With your help I will be ready for the spring.
*Fun game! Look through my writing and see how many times I use the term maudlin. I bet it’s a lot!